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Modern Etiquette is one of the longest and most regular segments of the NNN podcast. The aim of the segment, which is aptly and succinctly titled, is to provide listeners of the podcast, rules of etiquette, but modern. No more illogical and outdated etiquette rules, like "don't keep your elbows on the table". In this segment, Kanan and Manek talk about common sticky situations one might find themselves in, either from experience or from listeners' emails, and address how to resolve them in the best way possible.

Rule zero and a blanket rule for a lot of modern etiquette requests and dilemmas is: LEAVE INSTAGRAM (and other social media). And if you choose to boldly disobey this rule, then you deserve whatever trauma Instagram is causing you.

Following is the current list of modern etiquette rules. (note that some numbers have been omitted, these will be filled in once Kanan and Manek are done with all the numbers)

Modern Etiquette rules
# Rule Episode
1 When messaging someone, state your business upfront. Do not start with a vague opener, like ‘hey’, ‘are you free?’, or ‘I want to talk to you’ and then wait. 5. Let’s Cut the Chase
2 When wishing someone for their birthday, text a day before or a week after the birthday. If you do have to call, call with a script prepared (since the person is already stressed). 5. Let’s Cut the Chase
3 Do not use signatures in your email, including, but not limited to “sent from my iPhone” as well as similar variants. The only exception to this rule, as a private individual, is to have a signature set as a 6-page privacy and confidentiality policy. 6. I'm Not a Robot
4 When accidentally looking into other people’s phones, if you see it, you say it. 6. I'm Not a Robot
5 Due to the lack of human connection when transferring money using online payment apps, you MUST type something in the “reason why you are transferring money” field. The text typed need not be relevant in any way whatsoever to the transaction. 7. Hello Doctor
8 On online messaging platforms, rather than leaving the conversation in a constant active/dormant state, at the end of the conversation, you must say, “Thank you for this conversation, I would like to stop talking now.” 7. Hello Doctor
7 When liking someone's posts on Instagram, you may like a maximum of 2 posts per 24 hours. If you want to like more of their posts, describe the photo to them in a DM, and tell them you would have liked it. 9. Batslapped!
? If you see anyone walking around with a customer copy of a bill, say "I appreciate our time together, but we can no longer be friends" 9. Batslapped!
9 Respond to small talk sincerely and very specifically. 10. The Rabbit of Peace
10 When leaving a purpose-oriented WhatsApp group, leave after the purpose has been accomplished. When attempting to leave other WhatsApp groups, privately stage a coup with fellow members, then leave together. 10. The Rabbit of Peace
XI If you go to someone's house to play PlayStation, the person whose house it is gets to be Player 1. XI. A Dog in a Field
XII If you begin a long-running series with a friend, in which a season has greater than fifteen episodes, you are free to watch in the friend's absence without giving notice. If you begin a limited series with a friend, in which a season is fifteen episodes or fewer, you must give the friend 24 hours notice to join you in continuing the show. XI. A Dog in a Field
13 If you want to acknowledge an email sent to you, reply with a short phrase of acknowledgement, and add a fun fact at the end. XII. I'm Not Even LOLing
? After recommending a series or movie to someone, wait at least 2 weeks before asking them if they saw it, and how they liked it. XII. I'm Not Even LOLing
14 In a group setting, take the verbal agreement of everyone to turn it into a digital entertainment viewing session. If they do not like the video you showed, you must stand in the shower on one leg, with all your clothes on, and repeatedly say "I am a failure", until such point that the group is unanimously satisfied that you have been punished enough. XII. I'm Not Even LOLing
15 When you want to send someone a message, but notice that you haven't responded to their previous message of a different conversation, respond with the holy grail of messaging, "Haha, just saw this.", before stating your message. XII. I'm Not Even LOLing
16 i) When repeating a joke in a group with overlapping members, make sure the original person who made the joke gets credit. XII. I'm Not Even LOLing
ii) If you notice someone repeating someone else's joke without giving attribution, you must say, "Hey, excuse me! You're under arrest!"
51 If somebody else has a power bank, precedence goes to their power. As Captain Planet did not say: “The power is not yours!” XIV. It is the life
52 If shown something you’ve already seen, react in any way you see fit. Don't bring up the fact that you’ve already seen it. When, inevitably, asked ‘Hey, why aren’t you laughing at these funny jokes?’, simply reply ‘Oh I’ve already seen this. I didn’t want to say it to hurt your feelings but now you’ve pressured me’ A Family Friendly Episode
53 If you encounter someone wearing headphones, do not start speaking to them. Instead, stand in front of them, make eye contact, raise and lower your eyebrows until they voluntarily remove their headphones. Then you can start a conversation. A Family Friendly Episode
54 When sending voice notes, stick to a single thought per note. A Family Friendly Episode
55 When reading bad news on Instagram or Facebook or any other social platform, instead of giving it a like, leave the social platform. Snubbed!
57 Re-gifting is not allowed but re-giving is fine. Gifting is on an occasion with ceremony, giving is on a non-occasion without ceremony, so you may give a gift that someone's given you on a non-occasion and without ceremony. Snubbed!
103 When you are on the phone with somebody and you get the urge to put them on hold or put them on mute because you have to go to the loo or something embarrassing is happening, don’t assume that you'll just do this for few seconds and get back to them. Disconnect the call and call them back.


Instead say 'Can I just put you on hold?' and cut the call.

Much Ado About Knitting
104 If you have to send mass messages for your nature of work, then check with your friends and family if that’s okay, then no matter what they say, ♪ do it anyway ♪ Much Ado About Knitting
105-107 If you're in a social setting and notice a friend has something in their teeth, but you're not close enough to whisper it in their ear, attempt the following (listed in increasing order of complexity) –
  1. Text them 'Hey, I don't want to draw attention to it, but you have something stuck in your teeth'.
  2. Put something in your own teeth so they can gesture to their teeth, telling you to remove it, and remove the thing from their teeth in doing so.
  3. Carve a hook-shaped food and offer it to them so that it may dislodge the food stuck in their teeth.
Much Ado About Knitting
108 If you are at a restaurant where one would expect a high quality of food and you do not get food that reaches that expectation, don’t willy nilly just give your opinion. However, if they ask ‘did you enjoy your food?’ then you can give an honest opinion (it sucks actually) Home Baker
109 If you’ve gone to a restaurant, to be part of a group, but you’ve eaten less than the rest of them. And you're not sure whether you should pay, make a minimal gesture like - scrounge around a bit, reach for something, make some sounds, and if in that duration they say ‘oh no, don’t worry about it, you didn’t have anything’ then you're good, and if they don’t say anything you probably have to pay. Should I Have a Party?
110 If you are the sender of a WhatsApp message and you've deleted it, then give some context to help them out, to make them not so curious and feel sad anymore. If you've received a message that has been deleted, then guess what this message was, react in that way and then delete your message. Should I Have a Party?
1600 a) When people are singing ‘happy birthday’ to you, look at a straight spot above the horizon, unless a person occupies that spot, in which case look straight up or straight down and act as if you are overcome with emotion and therefore cannot make eye contact. Home Baker
b) If you are unamused, unimpressed, unhappy with the way the audio segment of this happy birthday song is going, then immediately start singing louder and more enthusiastically than everyone else and they will follow your key.
1601 When someone tags you in their story on Instagram, you don’t need to repost it. You don’t owe anyone anything. Home Baker
1602 If a person you know passes you by and you wave ‘hi’ at them but they don’t notice you, run up to them. Run into their face. Home Baker
? If someone plays a video really loudly in a public place, ask everyone ‘Hey guys does anyone have a nice video you wanna play?’. So that everyone starts playing videos and that person doesn’t feel special anymore. Home Baker
1610 Keep your bathroom business inside the bathroom. You Don't Worry
1611 When you want to compliment one person and more people are also there, give a mystery compliment. For example: “One of you did a great job today”. Leave it up to them, they know who they are. You Don't Worry
1616 If you've lent someone money and they haven't paid you back, try to bring up the topic as organically as possible, by - watching a movie about money ('If someone owes someone money, they should just pay it back to avoid getting their legs broken.'), take them shopping ('Hey, would you buy me this 10k shirt?'), take them to the money market (Dalal street, Mumbai where they definitely buy and sell money, foreign exchange and cryptocurrency) or get your money's value back in any way possible ('Just clean my house for a month and you don't have to pay me back') Winner of Winners
1617 If someone is on their phone, not paying attention to you, just text them. Winner of Winners
1620 In a car that is currently being driven: shotgun is in charge of music, driver has first veto on songs, people in the back, just shut up and sit, just shut your mouth. If You Have Guts
1621 If you hear someone singing and feel the urge to sing along, ask them first. Stop them, seize them from having any more joy in the moment and ask them if you may sing along with them.

If you are the originator of the song and someone starts singing along and this is bothering you and they have not requested your permission to sing along, change the song, tune or change the key to something they cant reach, to be more of an asshole. Just keep doing a transpose so they cant sing along anymore.

If You Have Guts
1622 When asked to explain NNN, just say 'you wont get it' and leave it at that. If You Have Guts
16002 If you've had a dream fight with someone and want to resolve said dream fight, you can:

a) approach the person who fought with you and give them a hypothetical of 'if the fight that took place in your dream really took place' and find out if they agree to such an outcome. If yes, then that person deserves to be fought with.

Tomorrow Never Diets
b) prepare your responses to this dream fight and go to sleep, have another dream and tell that person off like you should have the first time.
16002+1 If you don't look nice in a group photo that somebody else has posted, it is their right to post it on their own page but if it concerns you, you may always delete Instagram. Tomorrow Never Diets
Next If there is an option of two locks on a bathroom door and one of them is the vacant/occupied lock, make sure you at least use the vacant/occupied lock. you may use the other lock for extra safety. If you wanna have fun with the situation, you can create your own sign, stick it outside the door and lock nothing. Falling in Glove
Next If you are in the restroom and you feel like you might end up making some undesirable sounds to the outside world, play a song that is relevant such as Iron Maiden's 'Run To The Hills'. Falling in Glove
Next If you know someone's pass code, do not change your own pass code to that pass code. Fans of the Law
Next If you are in a concentric rectangle of story recursion, then you have to continue if you are tagged in subsequent stories, unless you are the original poster in which case you can stop whenever you feel like. Fans of the Law
Next If you want to establish your number for work with someone through WhatsApp, always do it through 'Hi On WhatsApp. If you now want to end that association, end it through 'Bye On WhatsApp'. I Demand Knowledge
Next You can save anybody's number as anything you feel like, they don't have a say in anything. However, if you are sending that number to someone, change it temporarily to something decent that they can actually understand, and then send it and then change it back to whatever chaotic thing you had put originally. I Demand Knowledge
Next If you sneeze, ask the people around you 'how was it?', so they are obliged to reply 'good one'. Good one
Next If you haven't replied to someone but want to social media, do it anyway If you get confronted, say your phone got hacked. Good one
Next Wish people in a time zone appropriate fashion, i.e. the time zone they are in, not you. If you get wished by someone according to their own time zone, which doesnt fit with your time zone, send them a picture of the your time, so they know what they've done. Good one
Next When you're in a long term group, make the charter. Set down the rules: 'are we a wishing group?', 'are we a no wishing group', 'are we a not replying thanks group'. So you know going in and are not as troubled when it actually happens. Good one
? If you are a chatty chap wish to converse with someone, ask them “y’all chatty?”

Conversely, if a chatty chap is trying to make an unwanted conversation with you, pretend to take a call to talk about how much you hate conversations, especially with strangers.

Get Down! It’s The Philatelic Bureau
Next The speed at which you play your voice notes should directly correspond to the speed at which you live your life. Get Down! It’s The Philatelic Bureau
Next A way for having a difficult conversation is to do it in a high tension situation with a clear end time. You Don’t Throw Dal in the Toilet
Next When someone is giving you frequent updates, about something you support but don’t actively care about, send them the same stock message through the forward feature to indicate that you are polite but not insane. You Don’t Throw Dal in the Toilet
Next Sometimes, just do what you feel like. Ambulance! Ambulance!